Posted in poems

Flicker

Baby girl you’re a flame

And if you knew what I knew

You wouldn’t be moving the same

Fragile and fleeting

Your ego depleting

But you never give up

Every goal you’re completing

It’s hard and it hurts

But just do it in spurts

Baby steps got us to the moon

So don’t expect rewards soon

But the longer you wait

The reward, man it’s great

Some call it luck, some call it fate

But it was your own ambition

That put that food on your plate

The haters they’ll blow

And they might blow you out

But with time your flame gets bigger

And you’ll stay lit no doubt

And then one day you’ll be blinding

And the blows will fuel your fire

Then you’ll be so big and strong

Alone you’ll protect your whole empire

So baby girl stay lit, keep shining, don’t flop

You can do anything in life

As long as you don’t stop

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Posted in poems

Nope

Tears of acid bleed from my eyes

Silent sulphur, how dare I cry

I’ve come to expect such great heights

Fantasies and dreams, lonely sighs

Oh boy, oh boy. How I miss the days

Before the pot and razor blades

The water fights and the sun rays

Before I wished this great escape

This heart of mine it barely beats

Too many tricks, too little treats

The things you’ve said, my mind repeats

Pray for apathy, feelings deplete

I know you’re worried to see the red

But if I don’t I’ll soon be dead

I cannot bear the constant dread

The words of hate inside my head

I only wish to drown the sound

To survive the day until the sun goes down

There I lie in my truest form

Façade is gone, this is my norm

Depressed, depressed and never blessed

Trying to smile but much too stressed

On days like this I miss the rain

Go to sleep, wake up. It starts again.

Posted in poems

Bad Trip

I was walking down the alley and looking for a loo

When I tripped over my shadow and stumbled on you

I thought you were an angel in that white and yellow hue

When they said you were a devil I just said it wasn’t true

Little white powder that can take away the blues

What’s the catch ? To sell my soul ? That’s all I have to do ?

Went to do a bump but instead I did two

Didn’t know the difference when out the window I flew

Landed on the moon where the cows didn’t moo

Looking down on earth, like man, what a lovely view

Then the rain started falling and the storm was washing through

And I was sitting in this tree when suddenly it just grew

I was so high in the sky that the wind just barely blew

Went to bite a bird but alas I couldn’t chew

Figured I’ll just save it and later make a stew

Looked down at the ground and saw I lost a shoe

Reached so I could get it but fell and landed in the dew

Closed my eyes then ended up in a room white and blue

Cuddled in the blankets laying next to who ?

Maybe it was just a dream, maybe it was a few

Every time it happens I swear it’s brand new

And only when it’s over do I think I have a clue

Eventually I stopped, but I didn’t want to

Posted in poems

Tres Noir

To kill or be killed

Self-harm or be healed

A whole life to rebuild

Once my secrets revealed

Once every letters unsealed

And I’m exposed in the field

Of battle

Chest burns, head murked

Death rattle

Can’t handle the back and forth in my mind

The tit for tattle

And I’m sorry mama

I didn’t mean to fucking hurt you

I know you did your best and you tried to teach me virtue

“Just do it already

Why’s your hand so unsteady ?

And your stomach upsetti ?

And your breath so damn heavy ?

I thought you couldn’t wait to be dead B!”

Sunrise, sunset

In her eyes, I bet

If she found me like that she would never forget

And I’d be gone but if ghosts are real

I’d be the biggest ghost of regret

I mean even now I hate to see her upset

My little curly brunette

Growin up without a mother

She’d feel abandoned without me

Because she already thinks her father doesn’t love her

She has no sister nor brother

I’d hate to haunt her and find her desperately searching for me

By jumping lover to lover

So as painful as it is

That’s why I have to recover

Posted in poems

Real Life

I’m physically here but my minds gone

Tryna be strong but needin someone to lean on

I’m in so much pain, goin insane

Constantly lookin to deaden my brain

Worthless, hopeless and to my knees I fall

Suffocating behind this smile

I can’t see no light at all

All these warm bodies, all these hands

But no connections, no empathy and no real friends

All these men offerin a shoulder for my head

As if I can’t tell they just want me in their bed

All those besties who gave the forever vow

I just have one question

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YALL NOW?

Fumbling through life breaking everything I touch

Spastic and erratic, killing those I love much

Cocaine and mary jane, slit thighs for dry eyes

Hiding my deepest thoughts watching my soul die

I can’t ever escape the mess I made because the mess is me

That’s why I feel like I must fade just to set myself free

Posted in poems

Adios

Goodbye stupid smiles. Leave me alone to cry. Goodbye stupid world, leave me alone to die. Goodbye stupid life, since you gave me no reasons why. Goodbye lovely daughter. Sorry for the tears in your eyes. It’s not your fault.

Posted in poems

Unlove me

I’m like a

Clawless cat 

Climbing up a tree 

Trying to 

Hold on to love 

And life 

So…desperately

Patience is a

Virtue

But ain’t no

Virtue in me 

I’d rather rot

Alone 

In misery 

Than to be

Loved

Half-heartedly

I wish you

Would’ve 

Let me die

Instead of

Watered me 

If you couldn’t

Nurture me 

The way I 

Need to be

Because the

Time it takes 

For you to

Truly see 

Oh, I’ll be 

Dead alive 

The soul sucked 

Out of me

So let my

Body rot 

Turn me in-

To a tree 

With a wooden 

Sign that 

Says she 

Simply 

Couldn’t ‘be’

Posted in Uncategorized

Lonely

Sorrow lives in this soul

Destined to loneliness 

Inevitably less than whole 

A sacrificial animal to all things 

Happiness not within my control

I’d rather disappear 

Than this reality be so

Posted in short stories

Drums

As I sit here in the back of this run down coffee house, in the middle of nowhere, alone, in my beat up white vans and dickies jumpsuit, I find that it’s the perfect time to rest my eyes. So I do just that. I close my eyes and listen to the drums. With every sound of hand hitting calfskin, I feel the beat of my heart eerily vibrating my eye lids. I try to fully relax every muscle and let every thought be fleeting. 

‘I’m so disappointed in you,’ my mother says. Flush. 

‘No one else will want your fat, ugly ass,’ my ex boyfriend says. Flush.

‘How much weight are you gonna gain,’ my granny says. Flush. 

‘Don’t help the customer if it means us losing even one penny,’ says my old boss. Flush.

‘He didn’t rape her, she wanted it,’ my brother says. Flush.

‘You’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t try new foods,’ my step father says. Flush. 

‘You should’ve thought about that before you did something stupid,’ says the hospital nurse. Flush. 

‘I know you did it because little black girls are always trouble,’ my second grade teacher says. Flush. 

I keep flushing but they always come back. It’s like the pipes are in a circle and the new water draining back into the bowl of life’s toilet is littered with microscopic pieces of these memories that manifest themselves clearly every time I go to the bathroom. I’d do anything to escape them. I do anything to escape them. 

Sex. Pills. Marijuana. Alcohol. Travel. Food. It’s all the same vice in the end. None of it works. Not ever. It slows down the recycling of these demons but never ride them completely. 

What’s the point. What’s the point. What’s the point. It’s no longer a question. It’s been a question for years but now it’s just a profound revelation of all things to come. There is no point. And that’s the point. None of this matters. I don’t matter. 

It wouldn’t matter if I ever opened my eyes again. My eyelids are still vibrating to the beat but I notice the beat is gone. Silence. Shall I open my eyes ?