Posted in short stories

Drums

As I sit here in the back of this run down coffee house, in the middle of nowhere, alone, in my beat up white vans and dickies jumpsuit, I find that it’s the perfect time to rest my eyes. So I do just that. I close my eyes and listen to the drums. With every sound of hand hitting calfskin, I feel the beat of my heart eerily vibrating my eye lids. I try to fully relax every muscle and let every thought be fleeting. 

‘I’m so disappointed in you,’ my mother says. Flush. 

‘No one else will want your fat, ugly ass,’ my ex boyfriend says. Flush.

‘How much weight are you gonna gain,’ my granny says. Flush. 

‘Don’t help the customer if it means us losing even one penny,’ says my old boss. Flush.

‘He didn’t rape her, she wanted it,’ my brother says. Flush.

‘You’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t try new foods,’ my step father says. Flush. 

‘You should’ve thought about that before you did something stupid,’ says the hospital nurse. Flush. 

‘I know you did it because little black girls are always trouble,’ my second grade teacher says. Flush. 

I keep flushing but they always come back. It’s like the pipes are in a circle and the new water draining back into the bowl of life’s toilet is littered with microscopic pieces of these memories that manifest themselves clearly every time I go to the bathroom. I’d do anything to escape them. I do anything to escape them. 

Sex. Pills. Marijuana. Alcohol. Travel. Food. It’s all the same vice in the end. None of it works. Not ever. It slows down the recycling of these demons but never ride them completely. 

What’s the point. What’s the point. What’s the point. It’s no longer a question. It’s been a question for years but now it’s just a profound revelation of all things to come. There is no point. And that’s the point. None of this matters. I don’t matter. 

It wouldn’t matter if I ever opened my eyes again. My eyelids are still vibrating to the beat but I notice the beat is gone. Silence. Shall I open my eyes ?

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Posted in short stories

Hopelessly Devoted

I’ve only known him for a short period of time but something about him just makes me feel like I’ve known him for ages. Maybe we met in another life or we’re together in a parallel universe. Every time I’m in his presence I just get that strong sense of familiarity. In deep thought I continue to stare out the window with the pen in my hand and the clean white paper in front of me. The sun glares through the thick glass in such a way that only half of my face is illuminated. The other half shaded by the enormous oak tree in front of me. It feels so symbolic. Half of me burst with excitement whenever he’s around and my heart flutters at the chance that I could ever be more than a friend to him. But the other half of me clings weakly to the grim reality that I’ll never be more than just that. I’m not his type. I’m nobody’s type. Still… what have I got to lose. Perhaps I’ll still write the letter. Maybe it’ll still do some justice. I know that there’s a thin line between flattery and eldritchy but I refuse to let myself burst at the seams by holding in such hysteria. The dire need to express myself to him has been too pressing.

I take a sip of my now lukewarm chai tea latte and take a few deep breathes. My feeble attempt to calm my nerves made me even more anxious. I can feel my heart beating through my fingers and I feel my face turn red. What am I really afraid of ? I ask myself this three more times rhetorically then once more as a real question. Rejection ? Embarrassment ? Severing any relationship with him all together ? But if he was never mine, how can I lose him ? I close my eyes for 10 seconds and cease focusing on my breath. No more what if and what nots. I write:

“Dear Mr. Perfect,

I’m not in the business of puffing one’s ego but I hold high the notion of honesty. I’ve experienced the pure joy of true love given but not reciprocated. Before I met you, I felt that the search for such reciprocity could only be found in fairy tales and romance novels. With you, however, I feel there is a chance. I see the passion in your eyes while you hone the skills that will inevitably lead to you fulfilling your dream. I feel the intensity radiate from you when you speak of the things most important to you. Could one of those things ever be me ? Or am I foolish for waiting ? Am I destined to be a forlorned and hopeless romantic ? I hate to be so forward, for I fear it will turn you away. But what is life without chances ? What is love without risks ? I beg of you to read this letter twice and let the words marinate in your heart before you reply.

Con amor,

Conejita.”

Posted in short stories

Brick

So this is it. I stand at the window of my one bedroom apartment and stare at the bricks strategically placed that make the building across from me. After what felt like an eternity, I refocused my eyes to see my reflection. I almost don’t even recognize myself anymore. My blackened heart is shown through my eyes. The lines cover my skin like trails on a map, aging me quicker than normal. I dare not look lower. My breathing rapidly increases with panic. What if I never get out of this place ?

Posted in short stories

Reckoning Day

 

It started out a familiar friday. I woke up just the same as the last fortnight of fortnights. 6 am I get out of bed. 6:15 I work out. 6:45 I shower. 7 I eat breakfast and watch the news. 7:30 I walk to the garage and hop in my car. By exactly 8 am I’m at my desk at work. This is where everything changed and friday ceased being so familiar. Anger has been welling within me for long enough. Today, there will be a reckoning.

 

Posted in short stories

Falling For You

We were lying there in the grass in silence watching the clouds go by. Imagining prominent figures arranged with dust and droplets of water. Then in a split second, as if all the planets suddenly aligned, a cloud drifted across the sun revealing its rays of fire. Then I looked at you in the brightness with my pupils completely dilated and  I saw you. For the first time I really saw you. The true you, in the purest form. My heart stopped and all sound faded away and I basked in your glory for only half a second and just as fast, the planets spread out and the breeze swept a cloud back over the sun and I closed my eyes to hold on to this feeling just a second longer. And it was then. At that last moment, that I knew that I was in love with you.