Posted in Uncategorized

Lonely

Sorrow lives in this soul

Destined to loneliness 

Inevitably less than whole 

A sacrificial animal to all things 

Happiness not within my control

I’d rather disappear 

Than this reality be so

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Posted in short stories

Drums

As I sit here in the back of this run down coffee house, in the middle of nowhere, alone, in my beat up white vans and dickies jumpsuit, I find that it’s the perfect time to rest my eyes. So I do just that. I close my eyes and listen to the drums. With every sound of hand hitting calfskin, I feel the beat of my heart eerily vibrating my eye lids. I try to fully relax every muscle and let every thought be fleeting. 

‘I’m so disappointed in you,’ my mother says. Flush. 

‘No one else will want your fat, ugly ass,’ my ex boyfriend says. Flush.

‘How much weight are you gonna gain,’ my granny says. Flush. 

‘Don’t help the customer if it means us losing even one penny,’ says my old boss. Flush.

‘He didn’t rape her, she wanted it,’ my brother says. Flush.

‘You’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t try new foods,’ my step father says. Flush. 

‘You should’ve thought about that before you did something stupid,’ says the hospital nurse. Flush. 

‘I know you did it because little black girls are always trouble,’ my second grade teacher says. Flush. 

I keep flushing but they always come back. It’s like the pipes are in a circle and the new water draining back into the bowl of life’s toilet is littered with microscopic pieces of these memories that manifest themselves clearly every time I go to the bathroom. I’d do anything to escape them. I do anything to escape them. 

Sex. Pills. Marijuana. Alcohol. Travel. Food. It’s all the same vice in the end. None of it works. Not ever. It slows down the recycling of these demons but never ride them completely. 

What’s the point. What’s the point. What’s the point. It’s no longer a question. It’s been a question for years but now it’s just a profound revelation of all things to come. There is no point. And that’s the point. None of this matters. I don’t matter. 

It wouldn’t matter if I ever opened my eyes again. My eyelids are still vibrating to the beat but I notice the beat is gone. Silence. Shall I open my eyes ?

Posted in poems

The other L word 

I can finally breathe

I’m open and alive

Then you knock the wind out of me

Warm honey

Like a flower begging for a bee

Minds racing

But I can barely speak

All of me is yours

I’m in your control

If you go deep enough

You’ll feel my soul

Watch me unfold

It’s a wave washing over me

I’m a slave to you totally

Exciting and serene

But chaotic, it’s a dream

I can’t feel this way

It’s so foreign

I use to hate it

Now I love the rain pourin

The way you stare into my eyes

It’s so allurin

What if I told you

What if I told you the truth

It’s been a while since I’ve

Had this sweet tooth

And your power

It’s proof

I was made for you

Breathe me in

Let’s get high and higher

The waves

They always crash eventually

Can we float to shore

Together

Remember this ride

This high forever

Posted in poems

She’s Coming; unfinished

You have seen her before

Back then she was your friend

When you first met her

You both wore a grin

This time when comes

She is coming as a foe

What you did to change her

You don’t even know

She stood right in front of you

You hardly saw her face

Don’t you remember me ?

She says with grace

Posted in poems

Blue Eyes

Hello. Goodbye.

I saw you smiling in a dream
You were more than surviving
Just as happy as you seemed
Your blue eyes glistened
You were playing guitar
I just sat there and listened
The lyrics spoke to my heart
I woke up to sadness and despair
I couldn’t take it any longer
So I chose to sleep forever there
Hoping in my dreams we’d sing forever, smiling without a care

Posted in poems

I Can’t

Where darkness lies
Between my mind and the deep blue skies
Between the smiles and the laughter
The tears that come after
When I’m alone
At 3am scrolling through my phone
Needing someone to save me from destruction
Can’t think of an introduction
So I convince myself I’m okay
It’s not that serious, I’m just being dramatic, It’s not that important
False alarm
So I disarm
Mechanically go about my days
Only a shell remaining like my soul has parted ways
Each week just a haze
I’m okay, I’m okay
I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay. Will I ever be ?
Digging deep in my happiest memories
Was I really happy ?
Or was I again just pretending
An actress in this movie of life with a role that’s never ending
I’m alright, I’m okay
Except when I’m alone
Forced to replay in my mind the things I’ve tried to forget
I can’t deal on my own
I can’t deal on my own
I can’t deal on my own

Posted in poems

Girl

I’m just a girl
I love the wind blowing through my hair
The color pink
Songs that make me think
A cute boy that gives a wink

I’m just a girl
I love to shop
I love warm weather where I can go outside to skip, jump and hop
I hate to sweep but I love to mop
I’m just a girl
I hate wearing pants
Give me a meet that’ll make me dance
I pretend my accent is from France
Ill prove myself if you give me a chance

I’m just a girl
I have a sister and brother
I’m full of dreams and wishes
Like for people to just love one another
I have a daughter, I am a mother

I’m a driver, a high fiver
A cook, your secret book
A lawyer, a movie spoiler
A friend til the end
A counseler, tell me your problems. Ill mend
Give me a rule, I might bend

I’m just a girl.

Posted in poems

Thump

Should I jump ?
Question of the day.
Because I’d do almost anything not to feel this way.
Nothing can ever fill this void.
Can’t take part in what I once enjoyed.
Seems like everything keeps me annoyed.
Every care I had…destroyed.
Dead on the inside and done crying out.
Because when I need help, I only get flout.
Every step forward is met with a clout.
Each subliminal gesture makes my heart strout.
Things used to be great, sorry it ends this way.
So to answer the question of the day.
….thump!